Saturday, October 22, 2011

happiness is a risk. if your not a little scared then your not doing it right

i read books. this is not news. everyone who knows me is pretty sure i have some sort of book on my person at most times.....so. but what i do know, or what i'm realizing now is that i read these books for the happy endings. for the life lessons. i used to bury myself in books and to be honest i still kind of hide, but im getting better. Im unsure of myself, always second guessing my decisons. AND ALWAYS, ALWAYS fell bad about thinking about good thing to come in my life. like i dont have a right to be happy or desire great and good things.then here comes some nagging bird who, tells me you cant do this, you shouldnt want this, orwhat about me. i realize its just jealous, and no its not me talking here, several people have told me that people who put others down are people who couldnt do the things we're doing. is it my fault that your not successful. should i feel bad for making something out of myself?but why should i? i have that right. you squandered yours and now you want to make me feel like crap because im taking advantage of the opps that have come into my life. i wont apologize for being happy or pursuing happiness. i wont apologize for taking chances with my future. because you know what, i DESERVE it. by right. by God, i do. all things are possible through Christ so why cant i have everything i want without feeling guilty because you couldnt have it. its not my fault. its not. so there. i feel better already.

this was so not what this entry was going to be about. its was suppose to be about me realizeing that when i read these books i think they give me courage or something to inspire to. does that make sense? probably not, but i catch what im trying to say. in this current book im reading, a woman is running from an abusive fiancee and she runs to her Aunt Lydia's house. the book is called "Julie's Chocolate's". you should really read it by the way. but she is going through all this stuff right, helping others, descovering new friends, "visualizing peace with your vagina"(pg86). the point is, is that ive read so many of these types of finding yourself through a journey through life and what not. that fianlly i think i may actually being doing what these wonderful characters in my books have been doing for years. living. yes, it may be tiring but its everything i prayed for. so no complaints. but finally, i feel like life is worth the risk. one of my favorite authors, Sarah Addison Allen,wrote(and im prob paraphrasing), wait, i want to get this right. she says,"happiness is a risk. if your not a little scared then your not doing it right." i believe it was  Willa Jackson who said that from, "The Peach Keeper, but dont quote me. my memories a little on the fritz, so.... but yeah, life is scary. but its also, exciting, humorous, predictiable and unexpected. i cant wait to see what good things are bound my way. cause i know they're coming, that the best part though isnt it, the anticipation ofit all.
okay, so my brother wants to have a talk.
talk to you later, cyber peeps.

kiss kiss kisses

Finally

Yay!!!!!!!!
I'm home. nowhere to go. noone to see. nothing to do. Yay!!!!!!!!!!

today:
*make lunch
    -lemon chicken breast
    -green salad
    -mac'n' cheese
    -garlic biscuits
*write

Yayy!!!!!!!!!!!!

kiss kiss

Pondering the Dizzy


Pondering the Dizzy





He makes me feel so…

Girly.

Like twirling my hair and batting my lashes.

Makes me want to melt into his arms and stay there.



Oh and he,

He makes me feel so special.

And

Strong

And

Steady

And,

Beautiful.



But he,

Ooh I swear the stars twinkle at daybreak.

His eyes land on me,

And my gosh,

My feet fly in front of me.



But

 He,

He feels so warm.

His smiles make me smile.

His hands tug at mine

And this feeling,

Overwhelms me.

I can’t handle the thought of leaving,

But,

I know that when I see him again,

It’ll be worth it.

He caresses my face

And my eyes close.

His lips touch mine

And I

And I see Heaven.

My God,

When he comes around,

Ooh,

My body lights

And I join him.



But when he comes around,

I get butterflies

But not the right kind.

I see stars,

But their short.

I feel heat,

But it’s harsh after a while.

But his arm is sweet.



But darn it,

When he,

When he comes around,

I forget about him.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Crazy For You

named after my fav song......he goes my poem


Crazy for Him



When I say I miss him,

You wouldn’t understand.

I see his face on everyone

With his eye color or quick walk.

To say what I wouldn’t give

To be back in his presence,

Well,

That’s between God and I.

But my heart doesn’t beat

Without a thought of him.

Its gets so bad sometimes,

He pisses me off when he,

Then he invades my dreams- a lie

Concocted by my subconscious

Or,

A bug planted from his hugs.

Never will I know.

But darn him.

I miss him.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Unknown book title but this book will be awesome

this is a little bit about a new book idead i woke up this morning to write. so here goes:



I don’t talk about him, my son. I don’t acknowledge his exsistence. They ,ight take away my daughter too. My husband is dead. Fought in a war that never ended. He too, have been written out of exsistence, only by the memories of people who forgot The Great War or who refuse to bring it up out of fear they might my pershish from record. David was right. We know whats going on, we’re just in denial.
I'm not. Not anymore.
 Killed my best friend in my face. A silent bullet to back of the head. They tried to kill me. But I woke up.
And I remember everything.


Finding Me

So, yesterday at school one of my classes had this big debate or discussion rather about the protest outside of Bank of America on main street in Dallas, Texas. well, its not so much the protest that bugs me, itsthe fact that in mynext class, there werepeopleactually in the protest andhad all their things to campout and fight for the cause(They’re fed up with what they describe as corporate greed. They’re mad about Wall Street bailouts, and they’re frustrated with declining economic opportunities for millions of Americans.-Dallasnews.com)

My trouble is, and i know this is biggerthan me,but these kids re in a protest! God knows what could happen and still, they march, they stand up, they speak up. so my questions is, why arent I? What's my purpose? Is it to protest for a cause? Save a soul? i dont know. So far i've been pretty good about knowing how I am. I, guest you could say I found my way.but know that I'veseen these pretty normal looking kids, people who you'd never inagine standing up for Occupy Dallas, its really making me feel like, okay, what are you going tro do? I mean I'm not going to go and protest but, still, how am I making an impact on the world? What am I doing to better our world? Heck I started out recycling and to be honest, I really dont much much effort into that anymore. So again, what am I doing? If i volunteer, I'll volunteer for an art show or something,is that really doing in justice for our community and for our future generations? im so confused or, rather, wondering, what can i do? What should I be doing? and can my writing have that big of influnece on the world? even if i write about UF/F? I dont know. But i hate feeling inadequate.


Kiss, kisss,kisses