i read books. this is not news. everyone who knows me is pretty sure i have some sort of book on my person at most times.....so. but what i do know, or what i'm realizing now is that i read these books for the happy endings. for the life lessons. i used to bury myself in books and to be honest i still kind of hide, but im getting better. Im unsure of myself, always second guessing my decisons. AND ALWAYS, ALWAYS fell bad about thinking about good thing to come in my life. like i dont have a right to be happy or desire great and good things.then here comes some nagging bird who, tells me you cant do this, you shouldnt want this, orwhat about me. i realize its just jealous, and no its not me talking here, several people have told me that people who put others down are people who couldnt do the things we're doing. is it my fault that your not successful. should i feel bad for making something out of myself?but why should i? i have that right. you squandered yours and now you want to make me feel like crap because im taking advantage of the opps that have come into my life. i wont apologize for being happy or pursuing happiness. i wont apologize for taking chances with my future. because you know what, i DESERVE it. by right. by God, i do. all things are possible through Christ so why cant i have everything i want without feeling guilty because you couldnt have it. its not my fault. its not. so there. i feel better already.
this was so not what this entry was going to be about. its was suppose to be about me realizeing that when i read these books i think they give me courage or something to inspire to. does that make sense? probably not, but i catch what im trying to say. in this current book im reading, a woman is running from an abusive fiancee and she runs to her Aunt Lydia's house. the book is called "Julie's Chocolate's". you should really read it by the way. but she is going through all this stuff right, helping others, descovering new friends, "visualizing peace with your vagina"(pg86). the point is, is that ive read so many of these types of finding yourself through a journey through life and what not. that fianlly i think i may actually being doing what these wonderful characters in my books have been doing for years. living. yes, it may be tiring but its everything i prayed for. so no complaints. but finally, i feel like life is worth the risk. one of my favorite authors, Sarah Addison Allen,wrote(and im prob paraphrasing), wait, i want to get this right. she says,"happiness is a risk. if your not a little scared then your not doing it right." i believe it was Willa Jackson who said that from, "The Peach Keeper, but dont quote me. my memories a little on the fritz, so.... but yeah, life is scary. but its also, exciting, humorous, predictiable and unexpected. i cant wait to see what good things are bound my way. cause i know they're coming, that the best part though isnt it, the anticipation ofit all.
okay, so my brother wants to have a talk.
talk to you later, cyber peeps.
kiss kiss kisses