No more I allow his voice to find my pen
I will not let his eyes roam my mouth
His hands will be comfort not
And if I crack,
Forgiveness I'll remember, but,
The shades of his sides,
The tastes of his loves,
Him with the personality of the clouds
Will forever be on my mind.
I'll miss him for sure,
For tears exsist on the releam his tongue came from.
My eyes are dried.
My heart is restored.
Love resides on my lips
And in my arms you'll find honesty.
Now, I realize what he lacked
Now, I know what I will retain for the next.
Lesson for today: FORGIVNESS. We all say things we wish we could take back or do things not how God planned it. We're human. Ask for forgivness from yourself, that person and God. Only God guarantees forgiveness. Your own forgivness shouldnt be determined by anyone but you. And if noone ever forgives you, know that you did your part, God is proud and those unforgivers weren't in your destiny to begin with. They were there to teach you forgivness.
An unforgiving heart only leads to bitterness. You can't praise God and be mad at the same time.
Ever miss one of the characters you were workung on???? I did. I do. I miss my Savannah.
I know I can't write anything on her because I get distracted too easily with her and forsake everything else, so i'll wait. I'll make mental notes about her and if I like the ideas well enough i'll remember them when its time. I fell like my cousin, who I ussually go shopping with. She always go and plans to buy something for herself but at the end in the checkout, she has a hand full of kids clothes.
Always, always, thinking about my characters. Its bittrrsweet because, Jenna is reallykicking fire and everyone has a motivation.. Who can you trust? And oh the secrets I've found out......juicy stuff.
I just found out some disturbing news about my dad. He's been on the hospital for the last week in intensive care. He was found unconscious and taken to the hospital. Turns out he was bleeding in his brain and it began to seep from his ears.
The good thing is he is still alive. Now speaking, walking and using the restroom by himself.
I don't remember if i ever wrote about my mother's passing in 2010 but to find this out scared me so bad....i can't even tell you. I went to visit him today and i was scaredfor him to fall asleep
I knew he was tired and trying to gain his strength back and everything but...............
I was just happy to watch him breath. To see him stand and hug me. I tell me that he loved me and missed me. Then he fell alseep of course. I don't know what i would do if i lost him. He wasn't the best father but he was a damn good daddy. And i love him for it.
So I'm writing a short that i finally said, hey! Finish this. So i am. What i didn't count on though was rewriting the whole thing. I'm glad, dnt get me wrong. Jenna's a better character for it. But James, i really didn't think i was struggling with him. But i was. He was always angry with his dad yet he wanted to please him as well and i never understood why until this morning when i wrote from James' point of view and he basically shouted out why he didn't like his father. And, AND, things happened when James was just a boy that he really doesn't remember. Heck, i just thought about it just now. I already had that particular scene played out for two other characters but it never occured to me that that situation wouldve affected James. He was old enough. Kids are very smart, observing creatures. Nothing misses them. because of this it would bring up some animosity from James to his dad. It would also explain a previous scene i wrote in the first first draft in which James remembered seeing Josh, Jenna's brother before. He was so confused asking his mom why he remembered him and she really couldn't explain without digging into a place she couldn't go....very tragic. Not to have the love you want.
Scene: i concocted this scene at the very beginning stages of the story when it was just sometthing my mind made up to keep me awake in class. I didn't know who the characters where. Except maybe the one dimensional characters who only need to play one role. But this is somewhat of the scene i was talking about.
Teresa stood over the kitchen sink. Her tears falling into the silk of her bikini top. She turned at the sound of approaching footsteps. Richard couldn't see her Ike this. She fixed her back and turned. She would have to explain the tears. "Mother?" "Oh, James," she breathed."oh I'm sorry" she wiped the tears with the back of her hand. " what is it they think I've done?...who was that man?" "No one," she sighed, sniffed. "Does he have something to do with the Elders?" "Where did you here that?" "I tried not to get into trouble" "Who told you that name?" "This is why we need to learn cloaking." "James! Who told you about the Elders?" "And why does that man seem so familiar? Teresa straightened from leaning against the counter startled. She swallowed, quickly moving to James' side. "You recognized him?" "Yea. Yea i did. I do. Its hard to-" "don't tell Richard that. Ever."
PS. I'll PST the rewritten on later...
Some love is not better than any love
Whole love is faar better than a part
A taste of love is not the same as a cup
A spoon of love taste better when its sweet
Sometimes it's heard more when it burns
Trusting love comes from within
Unconditional love comes from trust
Kissable love is nice
Lusting love leaves you wanting
A mixture keeps him home
Love is definitely forgiving,
Being pissed off and tired
It's better than being lonely
Well I wrote this morning. A poem, ofcourse, which i'll copy paste from my laptop on the site later. Im suppose to be writing on my Jenna story. I know, I know, still... Yes, still but this time is different. Before I was just writing, another way to hide, but now I really just want to tell her story. The right way. But life, or Blindsides, happen. Like my follow with God, I found its better if I just do what my characters want instead of me wanting them to do things they werent made for them to do. The writing has become much easier this way.
So has my life. Since I started or should I say, stopped trying to do what I, wanted in my flesh. I am now navigating in the spirit. And wow, what a journey. In your walk, in church, they never tell you what to expect. They never tell you how bad somethings will hurt. Sorry, off topic. I'll go before I explain the poem before I post it...
Okay, so maybe im weird. And if you know me, momentous moments in my life usually come with a poem oops my bad.
And, I did and its vague. I was telling this guy somthing I believe God was telling me to say to him. It came out all wrong, crazy me, like I knew it would. But u know what? I dont regret that I did it. Even if I made a fool of myself. I'd do it again and again.
I should've said hello when I saw you
Maybe a hug
Oh right I did that
It was my mouth that screwed us both
The things I say sometimes, the things I do
U smile politely
I know you're thinking, "this poor silly girl"
So what i'm silly
I'd do it again in a heartbeat!
Just, quiet, shh, please. I promise 'im not weird.
Everyday. All the time? No, im not. Yet.
But I bet you cant help thinking, what have I gotten myself into.
I'm taking a stage makeup class and so far, very interesting. I thought because I wasnt in theater, I would have to explain my presence there and I had this whole elaborate story for whoever wanted to know. Im mean I practiced and rehearsed it, hand motions and all. But no one asked. And silly me, i'd taking this partucular teacher before and I knew he didnt care about backstory unless it was related to the class. Otherwise, welcome, come learn something different.
I was nervous for nothing. I enjoyed myself and realized I was made for this class despite my reservations about actually sticking to it. I used to do this stuff af home with regular OTC makeup. Sure it didnt always come out right but still, now I get to learn it for real. Im excited.
......now to find a creative writinf class.
Kiss kiss kisses