Monday, September 10, 2012

Are You Still Carrying Around Your Ten Year Anger?


  It doesn’t have to be ten years; maybe it’s been five minutes, three hours. Anger is still anger; and soon if you carry it around long enough you’ll start to smell like you’re angry. What I mean by that is you don’t want anger to become what your known has. It’s easy to stay angry because most of us are known to be angry or to get angry, it’s a comfort we learn as children, that sometimes screaming out loud gets us what we want. The thing you have to remember as adults or as teens, is that now that anger won’t go away after you’ve screamed, it’ll still be there.

So how do I get rid of my anger?

Well, that’s easy and it’s not easy.

The first step to overcoming anger is forgiveness. That’s a hard pill to swallow. I remember the first time I heard I had to forgive someone to move on to what god had in store for me. I fought against it because no one knew how I felt, what this person did to me. I won’t tell it here because why I was angry doesn’t matter. How I forgave does. I decided that I was no longer going to give any more time to being mad. Who benefits from it? Not me because I was isolating myself, I was depressed, I felt worthless (I’d been angry for a long time). Was the person I was mad at benefitting? No, that person could have cared less. They went on with their life as if I didn’t matter and I thought if I brood long enough that person will notice that I’m mad at them. Oh, so, brooding didn’t work? Maybe I’ll scream and see what happens. I screamed and I screamed and that person screamed and still I was angry and that person left and went on with their life.

Now I was left alone to be angry at someone who wasn’t even there anymore. Pride will tell us that we shouldn’t forgive that person or those people. But God says to forgive everyone. 1 Thessalonians 5:9 says, For god did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our lord Jesus Christ.  So don’t be angry at yourself for being angry. Anger is not a sin but when you let that anger fester inside of you, when you feed off of it, you start to make bad choices that leads to sin.

Sometimes God allows us to see what anger looks like or to feel it because he says sometimes I just want to know if you’re strong enough in me (by getting his word because faith cometh by hearing) and if you’re strong enough period not to give in to it. Let’s face it, some people in this world come just to ruffle your feather. Are you going to let them? Are you really going to let those people stop your blessings? Stop you from living your life or finding your purpose? Forgive someone today and that burden will be lifted out of and off of you. Simply ask god to help you forgive him or her or them and he will. It won’t come immediately because God also wants to know if in your heart you really want to forgive and move on. Matthew 11:30 “….. my burden is light.” If Jesus thought that his burdens were light, why on earth are we complaining about what someone has done to us? Let’s not anyone have that kind of control over our lives anymore. It’s a tough process and one that won’t feel right at the moment but nevertheless it’ll be worthwhile in the end.

“In your anger to not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” Ephesians 4:26-27


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Wednesday, May 9, 2012



I can’t wait to feel the sun, so he can hush calling my name

To watch the trees dance up close before they shake loose their leaves

Feel the grass brush against my feet, missing me

Sit on my porch and remember it, the memories, the love

The wind is eager to greet me on my day once again

The rain calls for my pores like a lover lost

And my smile eagerly awaits their return.

Thursday, March 22, 2012


No more I allow his voice to find my pen
I will not let his eyes roam my  mouth
His hands will be comfort not
And if I crack,
Forgiveness I'll remember, but,
The shades of his sides,
The tastes of his loves,
Him with the personality of the clouds
Will forever be on my mind.
I'll miss him for sure,
For tears exsist on the releam his tongue came from.
My eyes are dried.
My heart is restored.
Love resides on my lips
And in my arms you'll find honesty.
Now, I realize what he lacked
Now, I know what I will retain for  the next.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

How are you Forgiving

Lesson for today: FORGIVNESS.  We all say things we wish we could take back or do things not how God planned it. We're human. Ask for forgivness from yourself, that person and God. Only God  guarantees forgiveness. Your own forgivness shouldnt be determined by anyone but you. And if noone ever forgives you, know that you did your part, God is proud and those unforgivers weren't in your destiny to begin with. They  were there to teach you forgivness.
An unforgiving heart only leads to bitterness. You can't praise God and be mad at the same time.

Monday, February 13, 2012

I miss you

Ever miss one of the characters you were workung on???? I did. I do. I miss my Savannah.
I know I can't write anything on her because I get distracted too easily with her and forsake everything else, so i'll wait. I'll make mental notes about her and if I like the ideas well enough i'll remember them when its time. I fell like my cousin, who I ussually go shopping with. She always go and plans to buy something for herself but at the end in the checkout, she has a hand full of kids clothes.
Always, always, thinking about my characters. Its bittrrsweet because, Jenna is reallykicking fire and everyone has a motivation.. Who can you trust? And oh the secrets I've found out......juicy stuff.


Saturday, February 11, 2012

Oh my oh my oh my oh my oh my

I just found out some disturbing news about my dad. He's been on the hospital for the last week in intensive care. He was found unconscious and taken to the hospital. Turns out he was bleeding in his brain and it began to seep from his ears.
The good thing is he is still alive. Now speaking, walking and using the restroom by himself.
I don't remember if i ever wrote about my mother's passing in 2010 but to find this out scared me so bad....i can't even tell you. I went to visit him today and i was scaredfor him to fall asleep
I knew he was tired and trying to gain his strength back and everything but...............
I was just happy to watch him breath. To see him stand and hug me. I tell me that he loved me and missed me. Then he fell alseep of course. I don't know what i would do if i lost him. He wasn't the best father but he was a damn good daddy. And i love him for it.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

You Know What

This is an oldie that was never published....
I've been thinking lately about relationships and how they work and what you have to put in them. Quite frankly i haven't come up with anything. I know its the normal things like, love and trust. Care, proper judgment, tears, laughter, sighs. The normal. But what really makes a relationship work???
I mean in any relationship, not just the romantic ones. What happens if you give 100%? Okay maybe like 75. Still i expect the other half to give 75 too.
Its hard for me too trust people, so when someone asks me to trust them, i say yes sure. But in reality, I'm not so sure. I wish i was. My trust issues are acres long from years of neglect and broken promises and lies and false smiles, etc, etc, etc...
Yea yea yea. How can i break that barrier? I know along the way i will get hurt. I know this because some people are just made to hurt other people. I also know that along the way, I'll find love in abundance.  The thing is, I wish there was a sensor inside of us that says, hey in that not to distant future this person will do this and hurt you.
I know we have our subconscious for that but when I tell you the damn thing lies, believe me. It does.
Well.... no it doesn't. Your heart lies. Isn't it funny that instead of listening to our subconscious, who is usually right,though I hate to admit it, we listen to out hearts. The thing we know will get us in trouble. But how can you stop from loving?? Would you want too?? No I suppose not. But sometimes loving is lonely. Sometimes loving hurts. Loving makes you feel important and the next minute feel like a complete waste of space.
Oh I don't know. Maybe I'm a little cynical at the moment but but darn it I have a right to be. Really I'm just writing this so I wont get too depressed. My life is falling a little bit but God always has a plan. So I will follow and wait patiently....just my random thoughts about relationship junk. Guess next time I'll ramble about matters of the heart, if it ever comes up. Or I'll stick to the poetry.

James, Mysterious James

So I'm writing a short that i finally said,  hey! Finish this. So i am. What i didn't count on though was rewriting the whole thing. I'm glad, dnt get me wrong. Jenna's a better character for it. But James, i really didn't think i was struggling with him. But i was. He was always angry with his dad yet he wanted to please him as well and i never understood why until this morning when i wrote from James' point of view and he basically shouted out why he didn't like his father. And, AND, things happened when James was just a boy that he really doesn't remember. Heck, i just thought about it just now. I already had that particular scene played out for two other characters but it never occured to me that that situation wouldve affected James. He was old enough. Kids are very smart, observing creatures. Nothing misses them. because of this it would bring up some animosity from James to his dad. It would also explain a previous scene i wrote in the first first draft in which James remembered seeing Josh, Jenna's brother before. He was so confused asking his mom why he remembered him and she really couldn't explain without digging into a place she couldn't go....very tragic. Not to have the love you want.

Scene: i concocted this scene at the very beginning stages of the story when it was just sometthing my mind made up to keep me awake in class. I didn't know who the characters where. Except maybe the one dimensional characters who only need to play one role. But this is somewhat of the scene i was talking about.

Teresa stood over the kitchen sink. Her tears falling into the silk of her bikini top. She turned at the sound of approaching footsteps. Richard couldn't see her Ike this. She fixed her back and turned. She would have to explain the tears. "Mother?" "Oh, James," she breathed."oh I'm sorry" she wiped the tears with the back of her hand. " what is it they think I've done?...who was that man?" "No one," she sighed, sniffed. "Does he have something to do with the Elders?" "Where did you here that?" "I tried not to get into trouble" "Who told you that name?" "This is why we need to learn cloaking." "James! Who told you about the Elders?" "And why does that man seem so familiar? Teresa straightened from leaning against the counter startled. She swallowed, quickly moving to James' side. "You recognized him?" "Yea. Yea i did. I do. Its hard to-" "don't tell Richard that. Ever."


PS. I'll PST the rewritten on later...

Friday, February 3, 2012

This Thing Called...

Some love is not better than any love
Whole love is faar better than a part
A taste of love is not the same as a cup
A spoon of love taste better when its sweet
Sometimes it's heard more when it burns
Trusting love comes from within
Unconditional love comes from trust
Kissable love is nice
Lusting love leaves you wanting
A mixture keeps him home
Love is definitely forgiving,
Being pissed off and tired
It's better than being lonely
Love is…

Thursday, February 2, 2012

My Highest Blue: I Love You

My Highest Blue: I Love You: I love you. I know you said it first. I know you gave me this different kind of joy. I know that even when you piss me off,...

I Love You

I love you.

I know you said it first.

I know you gave me this different kind of joy.

I know that even when you piss me off,


 I do too.

I wouldn’t want to change my feelings

Because in the end,

Some love,

 Is always better than none.

To say that I need you,

A lie.

To say I want you,

The truth.

But my heart isn’t ready for you.

I can’t take the pain,

The lies,

The maybes,

The what if’s you like to throw out.

I feel like doing nothing but lying in your arms on most days.

The other days I feel like giving you the world and fighting anyone who wouldn’t do the same.

Can you say the same?

Or are you looking for any arms that will open to you?

It’s not fair.

Life is like that I usually say.

But truth be told,

Love is supposed to be.

Even when it hurts, it’s supposed to still feel like love.

So yes,

I still do.

But you can’t give me what I need,

What I want,

What I deserve.

And I can’t wait.

I don’t deserve to wait.

You say you want this, you need that,

time to change.


Please don’t experiment on me.

Because I still do.

But my heart can’t handle that.

I accepted it all.

You told me what I wanted.

And still I can read you and your puppy dog eyes when you’ve done something you shouldn’t.

And still,

I forgive.

And still,

I do.

And I never tell you how it hurts.

Because friends is what we are.

And my pain is mine,

But your tales,

Should not be.

Samething right?

Well I wrote this morning. A poem, ofcourse, which i'll copy paste from my laptop on the site later. Im suppose to be writing on my Jenna story. I know, I know, still... Yes, still but this time is different. Before I was just writing, another way to hide, but now I really just want to tell her story. The right way. But life, or Blindsides, happen. Like my follow with God, I found its better if I just do what my characters want instead of me wanting them to do things they werent made for them to do. The writing has become much easier this way.
So has my life. Since I started or should I say, stopped trying to do what I, wanted in my flesh. I am now navigating in the spirit. And wow, what a journey. In your walk, in church, they never tell you what to expect. They never tell you how bad somethings will hurt. Sorry, off topic. I'll go before I explain the poem before I post it...

Friday, January 27, 2012

Out of my comfort zone

Okay, so maybe im weird. And if you know me, momentous moments in my life usually come with a poem oops my bad.

And, I did and its vague. I was telling this guy somthing I believe God was telling me to say to him. It came out all wrong, crazy me, like I knew it would. But u know what? I dont regret that I did it. Even if I made a fool of myself. I'd do it again and again.

I Should've Said

I should've said hello when I saw you
Maybe a hug
Oh right I did that
It was my mouth that screwed us both
The things I say sometimes, the things I do
U smile politely
I know you're thinking, "this poor silly girl"
So what i'm silly
Shoot me
I'd do it again in a heartbeat!
Just, quiet, shh, please. I promise 'im not weird.
Everyday. All the time? No, im not. Yet.
But I bet you cant help thinking, what have I gotten myself into.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Silly of me

I'm taking a stage makeup class and so far, very interesting. I thought because I wasnt in theater, I would have to explain my presence there and I had this whole elaborate story for whoever wanted to know. Im mean I practiced and rehearsed it, hand motions and all. But no one asked. And silly me, i'd taking this partucular teacher before and I knew he didnt care about backstory unless it was related to the class. Otherwise, welcome, come learn something different.
I was nervous for nothing. I enjoyed myself and realized I was made for this class despite my reservations about actually sticking to it. I used to do this stuff af home with regular OTC makeup. Sure it didnt always come out right but still, now I get to learn it for real. Im excited. to find a creative writinf class.

Kiss kiss kisses