Monday, February 13, 2012

I miss you

Ever miss one of the characters you were workung on???? I did. I do. I miss my Savannah.
I know I can't write anything on her because I get distracted too easily with her and forsake everything else, so i'll wait. I'll make mental notes about her and if I like the ideas well enough i'll remember them when its time. I fell like my cousin, who I ussually go shopping with. She always go and plans to buy something for herself but at the end in the checkout, she has a hand full of kids clothes.
Always, always, thinking about my characters. Its bittrrsweet because, Jenna is reallykicking fire and everyone has a motivation.. Who can you trust? And oh the secrets I've found out......juicy stuff.


Saturday, February 11, 2012

Oh my oh my oh my oh my oh my

I just found out some disturbing news about my dad. He's been on the hospital for the last week in intensive care. He was found unconscious and taken to the hospital. Turns out he was bleeding in his brain and it began to seep from his ears.
The good thing is he is still alive. Now speaking, walking and using the restroom by himself.
I don't remember if i ever wrote about my mother's passing in 2010 but to find this out scared me so bad....i can't even tell you. I went to visit him today and i was scaredfor him to fall asleep
I knew he was tired and trying to gain his strength back and everything but...............
I was just happy to watch him breath. To see him stand and hug me. I tell me that he loved me and missed me. Then he fell alseep of course. I don't know what i would do if i lost him. He wasn't the best father but he was a damn good daddy. And i love him for it.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

You Know What

This is an oldie that was never published....
I've been thinking lately about relationships and how they work and what you have to put in them. Quite frankly i haven't come up with anything. I know its the normal things like, love and trust. Care, proper judgment, tears, laughter, sighs. The normal. But what really makes a relationship work???
I mean in any relationship, not just the romantic ones. What happens if you give 100%? Okay maybe like 75. Still i expect the other half to give 75 too.
Its hard for me too trust people, so when someone asks me to trust them, i say yes sure. But in reality, I'm not so sure. I wish i was. My trust issues are acres long from years of neglect and broken promises and lies and false smiles, etc, etc, etc...
Yea yea yea. How can i break that barrier? I know along the way i will get hurt. I know this because some people are just made to hurt other people. I also know that along the way, I'll find love in abundance.  The thing is, I wish there was a sensor inside of us that says, hey in that not to distant future this person will do this and hurt you.
I know we have our subconscious for that but when I tell you the damn thing lies, believe me. It does.
Well.... no it doesn't. Your heart lies. Isn't it funny that instead of listening to our subconscious, who is usually right,though I hate to admit it, we listen to out hearts. The thing we know will get us in trouble. But how can you stop from loving?? Would you want too?? No I suppose not. But sometimes loving is lonely. Sometimes loving hurts. Loving makes you feel important and the next minute feel like a complete waste of space.
Oh I don't know. Maybe I'm a little cynical at the moment but but darn it I have a right to be. Really I'm just writing this so I wont get too depressed. My life is falling a little bit but God always has a plan. So I will follow and wait patiently....just my random thoughts about relationship junk. Guess next time I'll ramble about matters of the heart, if it ever comes up. Or I'll stick to the poetry.

James, Mysterious James

So I'm writing a short that i finally said,  hey! Finish this. So i am. What i didn't count on though was rewriting the whole thing. I'm glad, dnt get me wrong. Jenna's a better character for it. But James, i really didn't think i was struggling with him. But i was. He was always angry with his dad yet he wanted to please him as well and i never understood why until this morning when i wrote from James' point of view and he basically shouted out why he didn't like his father. And, AND, things happened when James was just a boy that he really doesn't remember. Heck, i just thought about it just now. I already had that particular scene played out for two other characters but it never occured to me that that situation wouldve affected James. He was old enough. Kids are very smart, observing creatures. Nothing misses them. because of this it would bring up some animosity from James to his dad. It would also explain a previous scene i wrote in the first first draft in which James remembered seeing Josh, Jenna's brother before. He was so confused asking his mom why he remembered him and she really couldn't explain without digging into a place she couldn't go....very tragic. Not to have the love you want.

Scene: i concocted this scene at the very beginning stages of the story when it was just sometthing my mind made up to keep me awake in class. I didn't know who the characters where. Except maybe the one dimensional characters who only need to play one role. But this is somewhat of the scene i was talking about.

Teresa stood over the kitchen sink. Her tears falling into the silk of her bikini top. She turned at the sound of approaching footsteps. Richard couldn't see her Ike this. She fixed her back and turned. She would have to explain the tears. "Mother?" "Oh, James," she breathed."oh I'm sorry" she wiped the tears with the back of her hand. " what is it they think I've done?...who was that man?" "No one," she sighed, sniffed. "Does he have something to do with the Elders?" "Where did you here that?" "I tried not to get into trouble" "Who told you that name?" "This is why we need to learn cloaking." "James! Who told you about the Elders?" "And why does that man seem so familiar? Teresa straightened from leaning against the counter startled. She swallowed, quickly moving to James' side. "You recognized him?" "Yea. Yea i did. I do. Its hard to-" "don't tell Richard that. Ever."


PS. I'll PST the rewritten on later...

Friday, February 3, 2012

This Thing Called...

Some love is not better than any love
Whole love is faar better than a part
A taste of love is not the same as a cup
A spoon of love taste better when its sweet
Sometimes it's heard more when it burns
Trusting love comes from within
Unconditional love comes from trust
Kissable love is nice
Lusting love leaves you wanting
A mixture keeps him home
Love is definitely forgiving,
Being pissed off and tired
It's better than being lonely
Love is…

Thursday, February 2, 2012

My Highest Blue: I Love You

My Highest Blue: I Love You: I love you. I know you said it first. I know you gave me this different kind of joy. I know that even when you piss me off,...

I Love You

I love you.

I know you said it first.

I know you gave me this different kind of joy.

I know that even when you piss me off,


 I do too.

I wouldn’t want to change my feelings

Because in the end,

Some love,

 Is always better than none.

To say that I need you,

A lie.

To say I want you,

The truth.

But my heart isn’t ready for you.

I can’t take the pain,

The lies,

The maybes,

The what if’s you like to throw out.

I feel like doing nothing but lying in your arms on most days.

The other days I feel like giving you the world and fighting anyone who wouldn’t do the same.

Can you say the same?

Or are you looking for any arms that will open to you?

It’s not fair.

Life is like that I usually say.

But truth be told,

Love is supposed to be.

Even when it hurts, it’s supposed to still feel like love.

So yes,

I still do.

But you can’t give me what I need,

What I want,

What I deserve.

And I can’t wait.

I don’t deserve to wait.

You say you want this, you need that,

time to change.


Please don’t experiment on me.

Because I still do.

But my heart can’t handle that.

I accepted it all.

You told me what I wanted.

And still I can read you and your puppy dog eyes when you’ve done something you shouldn’t.

And still,

I forgive.

And still,

I do.

And I never tell you how it hurts.

Because friends is what we are.

And my pain is mine,

But your tales,

Should not be.

Samething right?

Well I wrote this morning. A poem, ofcourse, which i'll copy paste from my laptop on the site later. Im suppose to be writing on my Jenna story. I know, I know, still... Yes, still but this time is different. Before I was just writing, another way to hide, but now I really just want to tell her story. The right way. But life, or Blindsides, happen. Like my follow with God, I found its better if I just do what my characters want instead of me wanting them to do things they werent made for them to do. The writing has become much easier this way.
So has my life. Since I started or should I say, stopped trying to do what I, wanted in my flesh. I am now navigating in the spirit. And wow, what a journey. In your walk, in church, they never tell you what to expect. They never tell you how bad somethings will hurt. Sorry, off topic. I'll go before I explain the poem before I post it...